We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus
Listen to others.
PLUS…
Listen to your own inner voice.
THEN…
Write.
AND…
Let your editor have at it.
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
“B is for bestseller.”
Mark Haddon
I’ve spent some time over the last month listening to several experts sharing their experience writing best-selling books. I figured I might as well see what wisdom resonated with me—after all, these individuals have become gurus by succeeding at selling many, many books over time. A few tips later, I’ve got cauliflower ears from listening to hours of talking heads on headset … and a new realization.
There must be a lot of people out there looking for help with starting, finishing and promoting their book. Eager people who have their hearts set on writing a bestseller—and only a bestseller. Otherwise, how could these experts be in such demand for sharing their expertise on how to be wildly successful in the book industry?
I define this compelling aspiration, this writer’s condition, as “Bestselleritis”. Symptoms can include:
Wisdom from people who have gone before can be helpful in dealing with this condition. I’ve learned that the following pills, although sometimes hard to swallow, can further alleviate uncomfortable symptoms.
At the end of the day, completing and promoting this book is my responsibility—and mine alone—with or without expert help.
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay
“Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him to the public.”
Sir Winston Churchill
I ran across this quote today. A dear friend sent it to me a few months ago when they heard I was starting to write my own book. Still somewhat in shock that I had actually listened to the still small voice inside that had been prompting me for years to become a published author, I had put the quote aside to see if things would play out as Churchill described.
I’m six months into the project now, and I have to agree with Winston. Writing a book is an adventure. I consider this to be my first big Helen Keller “life is a daring adventure…or nothing” risk. Not in an Indiana Jones daredevil world traveler kind of way. More like a “being pregnant for the first time” kind of adventure.
Like a baby, this book has a life of its own. It’s changing and forming itself inside me as I watch. It pulls my energy, my time and my focus. I have to feed myself with ideas and experiences and conversations that nourish its growth. I’m reorganizing my life to support my health and well-being as it develops. This ‘baby’ is transforming me. This book is literally changing my life.
So far, nothing about it has been a ‘toy’ or an ‘amusement’. It is my child … and it is my ‘mistress’.
This past week, I began writing again. I’ve been preoccupied with health issues and work for the past month, so it’s wonderful to come back to my notes and really start to dig into what I like doing best: integrating ideas and communicating a succinct message in prose. I’m falling in love with my book. Each moment I spend with the manuscript is like a private bit of bliss. I entwine myself in each story. I feel my way into each sentence, caressing the words gently. I close my eyes, focusing for a final kiss, as I sense the ripeness of each chapter and deftly retrieve a title from the air.
I know many more experiences of being coached and many more coaching conversations await me. I welcome them with gratitude and an open mind.
But what I’m looking forward to most this summer, what turns me on each morning, is the thought that every day I’ll be expressing my love—of coaching, of people, of life—through my words.
I wonder whether Churchill was right about the rest of the adventure…?
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Image by Andreas Wohlfahrt from Pixabay
“When things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realize how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!”
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Compassion and the Individual
Saw John Madden’s new film “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” this week. Each of the seven English seniors who travel to this dilapidated ‘resort’ destination undergoes a transformation of some nature in their relationships. Beautiful story that exquisitely captures the essence of life in India and the possibilities in growing older in a culture that perhaps values age and wisdom to a greater extent than we do.
I was particularly inspired by the transformational journey of Muriel (played by Maggie Smith), a racist curmudgeon who comes to India to have hip replacement surgery. As time passes, Muriel gradually and grudgingly starts to appreciate the people around her—including her Indian doctor and the ‘untouchable’ woman who cleans the hotel and prepares her meals.
The ‘untouchable’ acts almost like a silent coach to Muriel. Since they cannot speak each other’s language and must communicate through an interpreter, much of what they share is expressed through their actions and their expressions. Kindness needs no words. The cleaner, profoundly moved by Muriel’s acknowledgement of her, boldly steps outside of her culture’s norms and shares her profound gratitude by inviting Muriel to her home.
Muriel starts to see the world through the hotel cleaner’s eyes. This uptight British matron breaks through her self-imposed barriers and starts to relate to others around her with kindness. We see her reconnect to a long-lost purpose: to be of service to others. We watch her quietly begin to work behind the scenes from her wheelchair to help the young manager secure the funds he needs to keep the hotel open. No longer ‘useless’, Muriel even creates a new purpose for herself—to live in and manage the business side of the very hotel she originally detested.
We all have the potential to be helpful.
We often long to be useful.
To be really helpful, we need relationships with people who are open to receiving our gifts. And we need to know what is needed in the world, where we can be useful.
Life moves towards a homeostatic balance in everything. Receiving balances giving. Giving balances receiving.
Like Muriel, I am learning how to open up to other people helping me, to receiving their gifts in a non-attached, non-dependent way, so that I can be useful and helpful in my own way. My coaches in this are many and varied. Not only do these professional coaches, family members and colleagues help me see where I can be useful, these trusted friends also help me see more clearly and completely what beliefs or habits I have that stand in the way of fully expressing and sharing my gifts.
Perhaps that’s why I caught myself saying “I’ll always welcome a new friend into my life” last week….
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay
“Remain introspective and open about your theory of change.”
Joe Brewer
I have great compassion for leaders today. They have to interact with multiple, complex systems as they are changing. And time and time again, we watch them successfully enroll people to participate in changing the world and then, just as unsuccessfully, see their grandiose plans to make things better play out in strings of failures.
What are we missing?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the last 3 weeks. Joe Brewer’s words have stuck with me….perhaps because they run so contrary to the way many of us relate to change. Growing up, I was taught to make sure I’m asking the ‘right’ questions and then find the ‘right’ answers. As if there was a right and wrong way to deal with things. Fine for simple basics like homework and high school relationships. Not so fine when it comes to the intricacies of adult life and the systemic breakdowns we’re witnessing in the world.
When it comes to complex, inter-related systems that are rapidly changing, the ‘problem/solution’ mindset seems to be falling short of what’s needed.
Take a medical emergency, for example. When you have multiple health issues going on at once and something out of the ordinary happens, you want the doctors to look at as much of the picture as possible. It’s as if you intuitively know just looking at one or two facts will be insufficient. You want the doctors to keep asking questions, to keep looking at and paying attention to as many things as possible. If they don’t, widespread systemic breakdowns—or even death—may be in your future.
The same applies to creative projects. The challenge for me now in writing this book is to continue to question all my assumptions, ask powerful questions, be open to new inputs and new insights. This dynamically creative thinking space is where, I think, I can better grasp the complexity of coaching. Where I can let go of old mental models that no longer work. Where I can keep learning and adapting the book’s content to the changes happening in the world.
Perhaps the same applies to leadership. If we as leaders can remain skeptical about how the world is supposed to work and stay with the discomfort of not having a ‘quick fix’ solution, we may succeed in creating a world that does work.
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
“People don’t need to be fixed. The job of coaching is showing people they have a choice and helping them see they can bring forth different futures, different realities into existence.”
Jim Selman
I’m surrounded by books about coaching and leadership from the library again…looking at my calendar and wondering why I do this to myself every so often. It’s as if I believe I need to know as much as possible about a subject before having an opinion of my own. Yet when it comes down to it, books never serve me when it comes to saying something in a conversation that makes a difference in someone’s life.
Case in point.
This week a friend was telling me about what’s happening in their life. The conversation quickly turned into a downward spiral of blaming others for what wasn’t working. After a while, the monologue came to a dead stop.
I invited them to engage in a coaching conversation, but they declined. Later that night, I realized they were probably thinking my offer implied there was something ‘wrong’ with them, that I wanted to ‘fix’ them or their life. From their perspective, people are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and the future is going to be pretty much the same as the past. From my perspective, people are neither ‘right’ nor ‘wrong’. And the future each person is living into is their choice.
I feel like there was a mistake made here. I wish I could replay our conversation and tell them a bit more about coaching and who they are for me before I made the offer. Because I actually think this person is a wonderful human being—gifted, talented, kind and generous. I accept them and their life as it is. My offer came from my commitment to them being fulfilled and happy.
My big ‘aha’ in this is that it’s all a matter of choice.
I can let this all go: there really is nothing to fix in them or in me. And when an opportunity to share this with them shows up, I will.
This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Image by imprimable from Pixabay