Shae Hadden

perspective

5 Tips for Effective Listening

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Listening is much more than just hearing words or reading body language.

We now have the ability to communicate more frequently with more people than ever before. And yet, there is something missing. Something that could help us avoid misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, build trust and increase our effectiveness as leaders. That something is the art of listening.

Normally, even if we’re interested in learning about what matters to someone, the best we can do is make assumptions and then leave it at that. Effective listening allows us to go beyond our assumptions, choose actions that will address everyone’s unspoken concerns, and move things forward.

Listening is much more than just hearing words or reading body language. It requires that we:

  • Be totally ‘present’ in the moment (not be distracted by other thoughts or activities)
  • Be quiet and stop talking
  • Accept the other person as they are (be non-judgmental and listen without censoring)
  • Maintain an open mind
  • Do not plan what we are going to do or say next
  • Be willing to interact with whatever shows up in the moment.

Being listened to in this non-judgmental, ‘generous’ way creates a space for us to tap into our own wisdom and to create possibilities. When someone really listens to us, we can be inspired to invent solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems.

5 TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

1. Listen with Intention

Commit to seeing how the world looks to the other person. Keep your attention focused on them, on what they are saying, on what they are not saying and on the non-verbal cues they are unconsciously giving you. Notice their energy level and mood. Listen deeply to what they are not saying to discover the essence of their concerns. If you find yourself holding an internal conversation in your head about whether you disagree or agree with them, remember to maintain an open mind.

2. Ask for Specifics

Focus your listening on what they are dissatisfied with and any opportunities they see. Ask direct questions and record the essence of what they say (not your opinions about their responses). Dissatisfactions and opportunities point the way to specific concerns.

3. Consider & Observe to Understand

Consider several aspects of what you have heard in your conversations with this person. Review what issues and events they consistently focus on, what they always take action to improve, what things quickly and frequently distract them and what they will interrupt almost anything for. Observe what you’ve heard in terms of themes, contradictions, assessments and anything you see that is missing.

4. Share Your Interpretation

Paraphrase what they have said and describe the underlying emotions you observe in their speaking. In the spirit of promoting mutual understanding, share your interpretation with the other person. Ask them to elucidate, correct and fine-tune what you offer to ensure you ‘get’ what they are trying to communicate. This is not the same as agreeing with them. In situations where people do not agree, creating this partial understanding changes the mood of the conversation to one of cooperation and increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict. Once you are both clear, you’ll be able to easily begin to explore specific conditions of satisfaction that will address both of your concerns.

5. Be Compassionate and Consistent

Many people have never have experienced deep, generous listening. Be compassionate even if they are only comfortable speaking superficially. The more they experience being really listened to, the more they will be open to communicating more and also the more they will be willing to listen to you.

Professional actors and singers master effective listening as part of their craft. Whether we perform on a stage in front of an audience or in an organization in front of our colleagues or clients, mastering listening in this way can make the difference between giving an average performance and achieving extraordinary results. Leaders who really listen can learn more from the people they work with, can be more effective in their speaking and can do more good when they move into action.

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Originally published by Paracomm Partners International

Nothing to Fix

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“People don’t need to be fixed. The job of coaching is showing people they have a choice and helping them see they can bring forth different futures, different realities into existence.”
Jim Selman

I’m surrounded by books about coaching and leadership from the library again…looking at my calendar and wondering why I do this to myself every so often. It’s as if I believe I need to know as much as possible about a subject before having an opinion of my own. Yet when it comes down to it, books never serve me when it comes to saying something in a conversation that makes a difference in someone’s life.

Case in point.

This week  a friend was telling me about what’s happening in their life. The conversation quickly turned into a downward spiral of blaming others for what wasn’t working. After a while, the monologue came to a dead stop.

I invited them to engage in a coaching conversation, but they declined. Later that night, I realized they were probably thinking my offer implied there was something ‘wrong’ with them, that I wanted to ‘fix’ them or their life. From their perspective, people are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and the future is going to be pretty much the same as the past. From my perspective, people are neither ‘right’ nor ‘wrong’. And the future each person is living into is their choice.

I feel like there was a mistake made here. I wish I could replay our conversation and tell them a bit more about coaching and who they are for me before I made the offer. Because I actually think this person is a wonderful human being—gifted, talented, kind and generous. I accept them and their life as it is. My offer came from my commitment to them being fulfilled and happy.

My big ‘aha’ in this is that it’s all a matter of choice.

I can let this all go: there really is nothing to fix in them or in me. And when an opportunity to share this with them shows up, I will.

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by imprimable from Pixabay

Boundary Spanning

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“Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.”
Margaret J. Wheatley

“Boundary spanning” showed up this week in several of the feeds I subscribe to. A new one on me. Such a technical term for what really boils down to building  relationships between individuals or groups of people.

The whole idea of boundaries—inherent in politics, leadership and organizations—seems so militaristic. Boundaries, borders, barriers, limits: all definitions of territory. Markers where we distinguish between you and me, us and them. Where we protect ourselves from harm. Where battle lines are drawn.

Not the healthiest way to look at our relationships. Or our world.

My relationships with great coaches ‘span’ boundaries. They are the bridge where we meet to acknowledge and appreciate differences, share common commitments, expand our capacity for compassion. A place where I can look at my worldview, open up to other perspectives, have new insights occur, create new options … in total discretion.

My coaching relationships are opportunities for extraordinary learning and partnership.

In an age of collaboration, great coaches are model boundary spanners.

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Dancing with Uncertainty

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“Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life. Security is an insipid thing.”
William Congreve

It’s amazing how many years I’ve coasted along without taking time to re-focus and get clear about what I want in life again. Ever since I can remember, I longed for the security of living a pre-planned path, of having my life happen in a specific way. But deep down, I really wondered who this person called Shae was, why things didn’t always work out the way I’d planned, and what I was doing that was wrong. Ah, youth!

It pays to be clear—at any age. And clarity, especially in times of uncertainty, is an access to power. Being clear is the first step towards choosing freely.

For a while, I thought it was information that was missing for me to be clear. So I focused on learning. I eventually discovered that, more often than not, when it comes to fundamental issues in our lives like personal and relationship concerns, data doesn’t cut it. Relationships take two, and the only person we can ever change is ourselves.

The challenge is two-fold:

  1. We’re hardwired in our culture to resist change, and
  2. It’s extremely difficult to confront ourselves.

For a long time, I thought there was something ‘wrong’ with me because I couldn’t get my chosen path in life ‘right’. So I tried therapy for a little while to figure out what was unresolved and unhealed from my past and make things ‘right’ in the present. But what I really wanted to do was shift the future I was living into: a future that looked very much like my past. The future is not normally the domain of the therapist.

It wasn’t until I met and started working with a master coach that things began to get clear for me—including what I wanted for my future.

Now the various coaches I have relationships with have my permission to ask me the difficult questions I tend to avoid. I know they won’t provide me with answers and silver bullets. But they do help me observe my thoughts and review the outcomes of my actions without blaming me or making me wrong. With them, I feel safe looking at different perspectives and possibilities for my future. They are trusted partners with whom I can engage in generative dialogue without fear of manipulation or coercion.

Now, being attached to a specific way for my life to happen seems limiting, even dangerous.

I’m dancing on the edge of uncertainty as if it’s as sharp as the edge of this glass canoe.

And here’s where things get REALLY clear.

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay