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5 Tips for Effective Listening

June 14, 2019 By Shae Hadden

Listening is much more than just hearing words or reading body language.

We now have the ability to communicate more frequently with more people than ever before. And yet, there is something missing. Something that could help us avoid misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, build trust and increase our effectiveness as leaders. That something is the art of listening.

Normally, even if we’re interested in learning about what matters to someone, the best we can do is make assumptions and then leave it at that. Effective listening allows us to go beyond our assumptions, choose actions that will address everyone’s unspoken concerns, and move things forward.

Listening is much more than just hearing words or reading body language. It requires that we:

  • Be totally ‘present’ in the moment (not be distracted by other thoughts or activities)
  • Be quiet and stop talking
  • Accept the other person as they are (be non-judgmental and listen without censoring)
  • Maintain an open mind
  • Do not plan what we are going to do or say next
  • Be willing to interact with whatever shows up in the moment.

Being listened to in this non-judgmental, ‘generous’ way creates a space for us to tap into our own wisdom and to create possibilities. When someone really listens to us, we can be inspired to invent solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems.

5 TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

1. Listen with Intention

Commit to seeing how the world looks to the other person. Keep your attention focused on them, on what they are saying, on what they are not saying and on the non-verbal cues they are unconsciously giving you. Notice their energy level and mood. Listen deeply to what they are not saying to discover the essence of their concerns. If you find yourself holding an internal conversation in your head about whether you disagree or agree with them, remember to maintain an open mind.

2. Ask for Specifics

Focus your listening on what they are dissatisfied with and any opportunities they see. Ask direct questions and record the essence of what they say (not your opinions about their responses). Dissatisfactions and opportunities point the way to specific concerns.

3. Consider & Observe to Understand

Consider several aspects of what you have heard in your conversations with this person. Review what issues and events they consistently focus on, what they always take action to improve, what things quickly and frequently distract them and what they will interrupt almost anything for. Observe what you’ve heard in terms of themes, contradictions, assessments and anything you see that is missing.

4. Share Your Interpretation

Paraphrase what they have said and describe the underlying emotions you observe in their speaking. In the spirit of promoting mutual understanding, share your interpretation with the other person. Ask them to elucidate, correct and fine-tune what you offer to ensure you ‘get’ what they are trying to communicate. This is not the same as agreeing with them. In situations where people do not agree, creating this partial understanding changes the mood of the conversation to one of cooperation and increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict. Once you are both clear, you’ll be able to easily begin to explore specific conditions of satisfaction that will address both of your concerns.

5. Be Compassionate and Consistent

Many people have never have experienced deep, generous listening. Be compassionate even if they are only comfortable speaking superficially. The more they experience being really listened to, the more they will be open to communicating more and also the more they will be willing to listen to you.

Professional actors and singers master effective listening as part of their craft. Whether we perform on a stage in front of an audience or in an organization in front of our colleagues or clients, mastering listening in this way can make the difference between giving an average performance and achieving extraordinary results. Leaders who really listen can learn more from the people they work with, can be more effective in their speaking and can do more good when they move into action.

________

Originally published by Paracomm Partners International

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: coaching, compassion, listening, perspective

Are you being heard?

June 7, 2019 By Shae Hadden

We’ve heard it before. Providing ongoing feedback throughout the performance management process is a wise investment that can pay huge dividends. Just-in-time feedback can leverage our training investments, bridge the skills gap, and develop leadership among managers—all at minimal cost. Got it.

Just one question. Giving feedback is never as easy as it sounds. How do we do it in the moment in a way that people can hear us, not take offense, and be empowered by our observations?

Getting C.L.E.A.R.

Success comes from being clear and intentional about five things:

  • Context – what assumptions we bring to the feedback conversation and our relationship
  • Language – what distinctions we make and what words we use to share what we distinguish
  • Expectations – what we expect of each other
  • Assessments – what judgments we have made and the facts we have to back them up
  • Results – what we’re committed to producing through this conversation.

The context from which we observe and communicate determines what we see and what we don’t see about the other person, what we consider is possible and what seems impossible for them. Context is decisive.

The good news: as leaders, we have more than one context available to us. Effective just-in-time feedback starts with consciously choosing and creating the best context for the one-on-one conversation we are having with the person in front of us.

Context: Management

Wearing our “manager’s hat”, we usually come into a just-in-time feedback conversation for the purpose of motivating an individual to improve and to “fix” their actions and behaviors. We know the legal consequences of not clearly recording and communicating any gaps between the job requirements and their performance. And so we’ve been measuring their performance against our expectations. We’ve been tracking their critical incidents and mistakes, ranking them against others, or assessing changes in their competency levels. Our responsibility is to ensure they develop in such a way that they can fulfill their responsibilities to the organization.

Within this “corrective” context, our feedback remains remedial, focusing on making sure people change in the ways we tell them to deliver specific results. This approach to handling performance issues often comes across as directive and controlling. While useful in some situations, feedback delivered from this “corrective” context can generate multiple forms of resistance, ranging from covert back-channel complaints to peers and superiors to open conflict or to, worst of all, demotivation and declining performance.

Context: Mentoring

Let’s switch hats now. As a mentor, we approach almost every conversation—and especially real-time feedback—as an opportunity to share best practices and success strategies. Our responsibility is to contribute our wisdom, knowledge, and experience in support of developing others. We have been measuring our mentee’s performance against our assessment of “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad” choices as compared to similar situations we’ve encountered. We’ve been observing what they’ve been learning and where they can still learn something from us.

Within this “prescriptive” context, our input will be shaped by any assessments we have about choices the person made that didn’t work out well and any belief we have that we know the “right way” (or at least we know of a “better” way based on what has worked for us in the past). Our feedback will tend to come across as solution-oriented.

Solutions can have practical value when our mentee is dealing with challenges that we’ve previously encountered and overcome. But prescriptions have their limits. They can reinforce black-and-white, either-or thinking and create false dilemmas (situations in which only limited alternatives are considered). Unless we are careful, dealing in prescriptive solutions can also create an expectation that something our mentee has to do will be difficult based on our past experience—an expectation that can then become a roadblock or a self-fulfilling prophecy for them.

Context: Coaching

Now let’s look at what masterful coaches do. They create a powerful context for aligning an individual’s purpose with career goals, professional development, and personal growth. Coaches commit to their coachee’s commitments—whatever they may be. Coaches use specific linguistic tools to give their coachees new ways of observing and relating to themselves, other people, and their circumstances.

Taking a coaching approach means coming into a real-time feedback conversation as if it has the potential to produce a breakthrough in the person’s performance within what they’re committed to—which may not necessarily be what the organization needs or expects from them. When we wear our “coach” hat, we focus on helping people increase their self-awareness and explore different perspectives and possibilities. We don’t put forward “right” or “wrong” ways of doing things: we’re helping individuals discover the many ways they can do things and the potential futures their choices may generate. We not only use mistakes, failures, disagreement, and conflict to deepen learning, but we also welcome them as ways to evolve our coaching relationship. Within this context, what we contribute as just-in-time feedback is, therefore, less likely to be interpreted as “criticism” or “harassment”.

Within this “generative” coaching context, people who receive real-time feedback are left with two things: the insight that there are many ways they can do things, and the realization that they are now more aware of some of the considerations to take into account when choosing. This doesn’t require that we, as coach, have “answers” for their problems and challenges. It does require, however, that we appreciate them as they are for who they are and respect their ability to grow, to learn, and to make their own choices.

What better way to instill a desire for continuous improvement?

_________

Originally published by HRVOICE.ORG (now People Talk Online), Chartered Professionals in Human Resources of British Columbia and Yukon

Image by rawpixel from Pixabay

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: coaching, commitment, feedback, management

What is the blue pearl?

June 21, 2014 By Shae Hadden

I’ve heard that meditators often see a blue pearl of light just the moment before enlightenment. They say that blue pearl represents the potential of the Universe.

The blue pearl is a metaphor for what I see is at the heart of effective coaching relationships. I’ve observed masterful coaches relating to their clients as if they were a blue pearl. As if they were pure possibility. That’s where the magic of coaching lies—in that “blue pearl” way of relating to another person.

 

globe_west_2048I also use the image of the blue pearl in my work with coaches as a reminder of the larger context in which we all operate: that is, our beautiful blue planet. Yes, we have a responsibility to our clients. But we also have a responsibility for the wellbeing of this blue pearl as well. One does not exist without the other.

And so, if you are a  coach, I invite you to see yourself not just as a guide, but also as a leader and a co-creator of our shared future.

It is up to us to contribute what is uniquely ours to give to the wellbeing of humanity and the planet.

You and I—we—are the ones we have been waiting for.

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Filed Under: Blue Pearls Tagged With: blue pearl, coach, coaching, relationship

Young Women: The Hope of the World

June 20, 2014 By Shae Hadden

I believe young women are the hope of the world.

And my heart goes out to them—especially to those in college today. Our collective future is uncertain. Our world is in such turmoil: fear dominates our conversations. Trying to figure out your individual future in these times must be mind-boggling, if not depressing.

What can we as coaches give young women today that can help them create a positive future for themselves—and for us all?

Recently, I was coaching a policy advocacy student on her career choice. When we first met, the uncertainty and doubt she had at the direction she had chosen was palpable. Clearly, something was missing. Knowing how challenging it is to land a job, let alone fund a higher education today, I committed to helping her make the best choices she could now to have a future she would love to live.

Asking her “What do you want to do when you grow up?” made no sense. She was already on a path towards a specific “doing”.

Asking “Who do you want to be?” would probably be even worse. She would likely to come up blank—or respond with, at best, an example of a public figure that is someone like who she thinks she wants to be. Perhaps the next Hillary Clinton. Or another Lynne Twist.

Neither line of inquiry would move her forward. And both would subtly imply that she, as herself, is not yet a resourceful and powerful woman in her own right.

I believe she is.

There are two questions I asked her to cut to the heart of the matter.

  1. “What and who do you care about most in this world?”
  2. “What commitment are you willing to make to take care of that?”

This line of inquiry led her answers that were unique and intriguing to us both. And they revealed to me—and to her—her multiple talents, who she is here to serve, and what will feed her soul.

She realized that her current career path had a very distant connection to what she cared about and no connection at all to whom she cared about. So she researched what kinds of activities and people did connect to her “cares”. What emerged was a new vision of herself as an entrepreneur using her power in a variety of different ways. Through our coaching conversations, she began to see herself as the blue pearl I see her as and to take actions that have led to a good-paying job and access to the education she needs and wants.

I see young women like her as potent human beings. Given the right support, they can develop their innate capacity to consciously create our collective future. An ability that will stand us all in good stead as the systems that have given us the world we have today break down.

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Rizal Deathrasher from Pixabay

Filed Under: Blue Pearls Tagged With: blue pearl, coaching, relationship, success

Doing what the world needs

January 11, 2014 By Shae Hadden

What are you focusing on this year? What you want from the world—or what the world needs of you?

Many of us make resolutions or intentions that move us towards what we like and away from what we dislike. We aim for more money. More fame. More power. Or perhaps better health and better relationships. Some of us are inspired by a life with less stress, less struggle, less scarcity. Some people prefer to help others experience some specific “more”, “better”, or “less”. 

Do not do what you like—do what the world needs. Doing what you like is not freedom. Likes and dislikes are compulsive.
—Sadhguru

For me, last year was about finishing my book on coaching. What motivated me was observing that some of the leaders I was in conversation with didn’t really “get” the possibility of coaching. They had listened to others talk and write “about” coaching techniques and styles and approaches. But they still had no sense of what being coached was like or what it could be. They didn’t know what they needed to know to even begin to consider whether it might be valuable to them and their organizations.

book coverI felt drawn to write something that would help them see coaching from many perspectives. From the perspectives of all kinds of coaches. From the perspectives of coachees who, like them, have approached coaching with questions, hesitations, and doubts. And from my perspective as a coach and coachee.

The Blue Pearl went live on Amazon a couple of days ago. It will, I hope, help people make informed choices for themselves about whether coaching is for them at this time. And also reflect back to coaches what mastery looks like in their work.

I feel exuberant at finishing the work of producing a book.

And now another adventure begins: the exploration of what the world (and perhaps the book) needs of me next.

Stay tuned…

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image from qimono on Pixabay

Filed Under: Commitment Tagged With: being coached, blue pearl, coach, coachee, coaching, persistence

Adventure

June 23, 2012 By Shae Hadden

“Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him to the public.”
Sir Winston Churchill

I ran across this quote today. A dear friend sent it to me a few months ago when they heard I was starting to write my own book. Still somewhat in shock that I had actually listened to the still small voice inside that had been prompting me for years to become a published author, I had put the quote aside to see if things would play out as Churchill described.

I’m six months into the project now, and I have to agree with Winston. Writing a book is an adventure. I consider this to be my first big Helen Keller “life is a daring adventure…or nothing” risk. Not in an Indiana Jones daredevil world traveler kind of way. More like a “being pregnant for the first time” kind of adventure.

Like a baby, this book has a life of its own. It’s changing and forming itself inside me as I watch. It pulls my energy, my time and my focus. I have to feed myself with ideas and experiences and conversations that nourish its growth. I’m reorganizing my life to support my health and well-being as it develops. This ‘baby’ is transforming me. This book is  literally changing my life.

So far, nothing about it has been a ‘toy’ or an ‘amusement’. It is my child … and it is my ‘mistress’.

This past week, I began writing again. I’ve been preoccupied with health issues and work for the past month, so it’s wonderful to come back to my notes  and really start to dig into what I like doing best: integrating ideas and communicating a succinct message in prose. I’m falling in love with my book. Each moment I spend with the manuscript is like a private bit of bliss. I entwine myself in each story. I feel my way into each sentence, caressing the words gently. I close my eyes, focusing for a final kiss, as I sense the ripeness of each chapter and deftly retrieve a title from the air.

I know many more experiences of being coached and many more coaching conversations await me. I welcome them with gratitude and an open mind.

But what I’m looking forward to most this summer, what turns me on each morning, is the thought that every day I’ll be expressing my love—of coaching, of people, of life—through my words.

I wonder whether Churchill was right about the rest of the adventure…?

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Andreas Wohlfahrt from Pixabay

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: coach, coaching, risk, writing

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