Shae Hadden

coaching

Questioning Change

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“Remain introspective and open about your theory of change.”
Joe Brewer

I have great compassion for leaders today. They have to interact with multiple, complex systems as they are changing. And time and time again, we watch them successfully enroll people to participate in changing the world and then, just as unsuccessfully, see their grandiose plans to make things better play out in strings of failures.

What are we missing?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the last 3 weeks. Joe Brewer’s words have stuck with me….perhaps because they run so contrary to the way many of us relate to change. Growing up, I was taught to make sure I’m asking the ‘right’ questions and then find the ‘right’ answers. As if there was a right and wrong way to deal with things. Fine for simple basics like homework and high school relationships. Not so fine when it comes to the intricacies of adult life and the systemic breakdowns we’re witnessing in the world.

When it comes to complex, inter-related systems that are rapidly changing, the ‘problem/solution’ mindset seems to be falling short of what’s needed. 

Take a medical emergency, for example. When you have multiple health issues going on at once and something out of the ordinary happens, you want the doctors to look at as much of the picture as possible. It’s as if you intuitively know just looking at one or two facts will be insufficient. You want the doctors to keep asking questions, to keep looking at and paying attention to as many things as possible. If they don’t, widespread systemic breakdowns—or even death—may be in your future.

The same applies to creative projects. The challenge for me now in writing this book is to continue to question all my assumptions, ask powerful questions, be open to new inputs and new insights. This dynamically creative thinking space is where, I think, I can better grasp the complexity of coaching. Where I can let go of old mental models that no longer work. Where I can keep learning and adapting the book’s content to the changes happening in the world.

Perhaps the same applies to leadership. If we as leaders can remain skeptical about how the world is supposed to work and stay with the discomfort of not having a ‘quick fix’ solution, we may succeed in creating a world that does work.

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Nothing to Fix

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“People don’t need to be fixed. The job of coaching is showing people they have a choice and helping them see they can bring forth different futures, different realities into existence.”
Jim Selman

I’m surrounded by books about coaching and leadership from the library again…looking at my calendar and wondering why I do this to myself every so often. It’s as if I believe I need to know as much as possible about a subject before having an opinion of my own. Yet when it comes down to it, books never serve me when it comes to saying something in a conversation that makes a difference in someone’s life.

Case in point.

This week  a friend was telling me about what’s happening in their life. The conversation quickly turned into a downward spiral of blaming others for what wasn’t working. After a while, the monologue came to a dead stop.

I invited them to engage in a coaching conversation, but they declined. Later that night, I realized they were probably thinking my offer implied there was something ‘wrong’ with them, that I wanted to ‘fix’ them or their life. From their perspective, people are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and the future is going to be pretty much the same as the past. From my perspective, people are neither ‘right’ nor ‘wrong’. And the future each person is living into is their choice.

I feel like there was a mistake made here. I wish I could replay our conversation and tell them a bit more about coaching and who they are for me before I made the offer. Because I actually think this person is a wonderful human being—gifted, talented, kind and generous. I accept them and their life as it is. My offer came from my commitment to them being fulfilled and happy.

My big ‘aha’ in this is that it’s all a matter of choice.

I can let this all go: there really is nothing to fix in them or in me. And when an opportunity to share this with them shows up, I will.

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Are you REALLY who you think you are?

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“Human identity is the most fragile thing that we have, and it’s often only found in moments of truth.”
Alan Rudolph

Many of us move through life with just enough of a sense of who we are to function. We have labels for ourselves—like entrepreneur and divorcee, athlete and author—that help define our roles in society and what we do. We have behaviors—like quiet and attentive, focused and caring—that reflect our personality. And we have attributes—like short and petite, lithe and highly allergic—that describe our physicality.

I am all of these. And yet, there is more.

Last weekend my first official coach training course began. On the last day, one of those crystal clear moments of truth allowed me to see who I am in the world. The group was sharing with each person candid ‘popcorn’ feedback. I really wanted to hear how I showed up to this group of relative strangers who were offering to lend me a helping hand. So, as part of being coached in this way, I listened generously to what they saw in me that they want to see more of. I took in what they want me to play with in my way of being.

After they finished, I realized I’m not really who I thought I was. I am who they say I am.

I am the woman I wanted to become 7 years ago. I am not the woman I thought I still was.

That insight—that we can become however we choose to be—shook me. And has had me thinking all week.

Who will I choose to become next?

I don’t know exactly who. But I do know it will have some relationship to my commitments.

More later….

 

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Boundary Spanning

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“Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.”
Margaret J. Wheatley

“Boundary spanning” showed up this week in several of the feeds I subscribe to. A new one on me. Such a technical term for what really boils down to building  relationships between individuals or groups of people.

The whole idea of boundaries—inherent in politics, leadership and organizations—seems so militaristic. Boundaries, borders, barriers, limits: all definitions of territory. Markers where we distinguish between you and me, us and them. Where we protect ourselves from harm. Where battle lines are drawn.

Not the healthiest way to look at our relationships. Or our world.

My relationships with great coaches ‘span’ boundaries. They are the bridge where we meet to acknowledge and appreciate differences, share common commitments, expand our capacity for compassion. A place where I can look at my worldview, open up to other perspectives, have new insights occur, create new options … in total discretion.

My coaching relationships are opportunities for extraordinary learning and partnership.

In an age of collaboration, great coaches are model boundary spanners.

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Staying Power

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“Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power – a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment.”
Marsha Sinetar

My author friends warned me about writer’s block. They had me read books about dealing with my own resistance to writing. They quietly shared about the weird things that happen in your life to teach you what you need to know for your book. The “Why did I ever begin this?” doubts. The setbacks. The life challenges that interfere with your plans.

Experienced all these. Thanks. Enough already.

But no one talked about a crazy madness that compels you to move forward, someway, somehow, no matter what happens. When all reason and logic says stop, put this aside, do something else, take a break. Step away. And you just can’t.

The Universe seems to conspire to have it that way with this book.

The very minute I thought of throwing in the towel this week, a publishing company called my cell with an invitation to contact them about my book. (Thanks very much, I already have a publisher.)

And then I had a wonderful conversation in which a businesswoman told me she doesn’t even think in terms of failure. She just keeps learning…and eventually succeeds. What great coaching!

Tomorrow, this book is the reason I’m getting up.

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The Beginning

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“You have to be willing to be an expert if you’re writing a book.”
Neal Rogin, award-winning writer & filmmaker

I’ve felt like an outsider all my life. Isolated and alienated. As if I’m not yet living my full potential, not really doing what I came here to do. And no matter what I did, it wasn’t quite ‘it’.

The question that haunted me: What am I here for?

I’ve committed to writing a book about the heart of coaching and the extraordinary impact coaches and coaching can have in the world. I’m compelled to write this book. I’ve never felt something pull me forward in this way before.

I have a vision of a world in which the principles of coaching and the way that coaches are have become part of our culture. Where our relationships—interpersonal, organizational and international—reflect the truths of great coaching relationships.

Imagining what then might be possible helps me sleep at night.

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