Shae Hadden

relationship

What is the blue pearl?

By

I’ve heard that meditators often see a blue pearl of light just the moment before enlightenment. They say that blue pearl represents the potential of the Universe.

The blue pearl is a metaphor for what I see is at the heart of effective coaching relationships. I’ve observed masterful coaches relating to their clients as if they were a blue pearl. As if they were pure possibility. That’s where the magic of coaching lies—in that “blue pearl” way of relating to another person.

 

globe_west_2048I also use the image of the blue pearl in my work with coaches as a reminder of the larger context in which we all operate: that is, our beautiful blue planet. Yes, we have a responsibility to our clients. But we also have a responsibility for the wellbeing of this blue pearl as well. One does not exist without the other.

And so, if you are a  coach, I invite you to see yourself not just as a guide, but also as a leader and a co-creator of our shared future.

It is up to us to contribute what is uniquely ours to give to the wellbeing of humanity and the planet.

You and I—we—are the ones we have been waiting for.

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Young Women: The Hope of the World

By

I believe young women are the hope of the world.

And my heart goes out to them—especially to those in college today. Our collective future is uncertain. Our world is in such turmoil: fear dominates our conversations. Trying to figure out your individual future in these times must be mind-boggling, if not depressing.

What can we as coaches give young women today that can help them create a positive future for themselves—and for us all?

Recently, I was coaching a policy advocacy student on her career choice. When we first met, the uncertainty and doubt she had at the direction she had chosen was palpable. Clearly, something was missing. Knowing how challenging it is to land a job, let alone fund a higher education today, I committed to helping her make the best choices she could now to have a future she would love to live.

Asking her “What do you want to do when you grow up?” made no sense. She was already on a path towards a specific “doing”.

Asking “Who do you want to be?” would probably be even worse. She would likely to come up blank—or respond with, at best, an example of a public figure that is someone like who she thinks she wants to be. Perhaps the next Hillary Clinton. Or another Lynne Twist.

Neither line of inquiry would move her forward. And both would subtly imply that she, as herself, is not yet a resourceful and powerful woman in her own right.

I believe she is.

There are two questions I asked her to cut to the heart of the matter.

  1. “What and who do you care about most in this world?”
  2. “What commitment are you willing to make to take care of that?”

This line of inquiry led her answers that were unique and intriguing to us both. And they revealed to me—and to her—her multiple talents, who she is here to serve, and what will feed her soul.

She realized that her current career path had a very distant connection to what she cared about and no connection at all to whom she cared about. So she researched what kinds of activities and people did connect to her “cares”. What emerged was a new vision of herself as an entrepreneur using her power in a variety of different ways. Through our coaching conversations, she began to see herself as the blue pearl I see her as and to take actions that have led to a good-paying job and access to the education she needs and wants.

I see young women like her as potent human beings. Given the right support, they can develop their innate capacity to consciously create our collective future. An ability that will stand us all in good stead as the systems that have given us the world we have today break down.

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Rizal Deathrasher from Pixabay

What’s Possible with “No”?

By

Someone mentioned to me in an interview this week that “No” can shut down the future almost as fast as it’s spoken. Their belief: that the word throws up a roadblock to stop things from happening. And that the roadblock can close the door on any conversation or relationship.

We were talking about getting people with different perspectives to collaborate. In that context, “No” may signal that the person is attached to their position or that they’re unwilling to try on other perspectives. Or it can signal the establishment of a boundary—a protective position to keep others out, to create the space they need to feel safe, to avoid being harmed again. The boundary can help them regain some sense of control in a challenging situation. Whatever the reasoning behind the response, it is not for us to judge. But it’s up to us to deal with it.

So where does “No” leave us?

Indeed, what’s possible when someone throws up a roadblock?

When I was a kid, I’d create all kinds of ways to deal with being turned down—from crying and temper tantrums to complaining to someone else or asking another adult for the same thing. I’d create and invent and try out all kinds of ways to get to a “Yes”. Sometimes I’d just learn to live with the “No” until something else came along that I wanted just as much. But over time, after repeatedly not getting what I wanted, I learned to avoid rejection by either not asking for what I wanted or by giving up and shutting down at the first hint of a negative response. “No” became “no way, no how, not ever.”

As adults, we don’t have to go there. “No” can mean “not now” or “not you” or “not this way”. We can honor and respect each other by clarifying what is meant and then gracefully accepting the “No”. Even if, to us, the response seems irrational or unwarranted. Even if rejection hurts.

I don’t think “No” necessarily kills the future. It may kill one possible future. But not all possible futures. “No” is just a choice. A choice that gives us access to the possibility of other possibilities. Access to people, ideas and things we don’t even see when we’re focused on getting to “Yes” with just one possibility.

So, in this somewhat strange way, I’m grateful for what “No” makes possible. Even though I can’t be certain what those possibilities might be.

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Wabi-Sabi Season

By

cracked jug_McpheeI think we’ve hit wabi-sabi season. The season to practice honoring and accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay and death. The time for a simple, uncluttered paring down to essentials. A time to find beauty in imperfection.

I feel like everything in my life is being pared down, and then pared down again. Inessential things seem to be falling away: possessions, fantasies, beliefs. What no longer resonates is dropping away. Even the net we all long to find underneath us is disappearing.

I’m coming face to face with my soul.

I look in the mirror and see the eyes of a sweet little blue-eyed girl staring back at me with the sad wisdom of a grown woman. I want to love what I see: the sun glinting copper on greying curls, the frayed edge of a favorite sweater, the smile wrinkles, and the collar hiding a Katherine Hepburn-like neck. I want to believe that there’s a quiet kind of beauty—a field of gold—in each of us just waiting to be discovered.

But Wabi-sabi season comes with not-so-welcome storms of tears.

The unfulfilled hopes of that little girl cry out to me. I’m suddenly grieving a haunted heart. Mourning the passage of time and unlived possibilities. Grieving who I am no longer. Crying out because this body I call mine is impermanent and will one day return to dust. Grieving for the state of the world.

In between cloudbursts, I talk with my coaches. And catch glimpses of that field of gold.

In the midst of this letting go, I’m beginning to see the beauty of cracks and imperfections. I’m beginning to discover the beauty of the soul.

Meanwhile, what remains in my life I care for with fresh precision and appreciation now—especially trusted relationships with coaches, friends and colleagues.

I wonder what will come after wabi-sabi….

Photo credit: Flickr Nick McPhee

Creative Commons License

Being Coached by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Thinking Together

By

dialogue bubblesWorking with coaches has given me amazing opportunities to experience what it is to think together. Not the same as talking together. Or listening deeply to each other. The conversations we have seem more like pioneering adventures than agenda-driven talks. And yet, we somehow accomplish all—if not more—than we intend to. Fresh insights appear, new ideas, synchronistic experiences.

In our dialogues, we suspend the idea that either of us are our point of view … and then we listen and look together at what is happening and what’s wanting to emerge. The quality of the conversation feels in some moments like lasers cutting through layers of mud: in others, like water running swiftly through a narrowing channel. Sometimes words tumble out in a rush: sometimes they emerge like popcorn on a burner, slowly at first, then speeding up in pace and number. Sometimes notable silences punctuate our thinking.

In the last two weeks, I’ve observed more and more of these ‘thinking together’ conversations happening with people besides my coaches. Coincidentally, at about the same time, I changed my email signature to include this quote:

The biggest sources of opportunity are collaboration and partnership.”
Mark Parker, CEO, Nike

I wonder which of these new conversations will actually turn into opportunities for collaboration.

Stay tuned…

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Photo credit: Flickr AJ Cann

Really Helpful

By

“When things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realize how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!”
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Compassion and the Individual

Saw John Madden’s new film “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” this week. Each of the seven English seniors who travel to this dilapidated ‘resort’ destination undergoes a transformation of some nature in their relationships. Beautiful story that exquisitely captures the essence of life in India and the possibilities in growing older in a culture that perhaps values age and wisdom to a greater extent than we do.

I was particularly inspired by the transformational journey of Muriel (played by Maggie Smith), a racist curmudgeon who comes to India to have hip replacement surgery. As time passes, Muriel gradually and grudgingly starts to appreciate the people around her—including her Indian doctor and the ‘untouchable’ woman who cleans the hotel and prepares her meals.

The ‘untouchable’ acts almost like a silent coach to Muriel. Since they cannot speak each other’s language and must communicate through an interpreter, much of what they share is expressed through their actions and their expressions. Kindness needs no words. The cleaner, profoundly moved by Muriel’s acknowledgement of her, boldly steps outside of her culture’s norms and shares her profound gratitude by inviting Muriel to her home.

Muriel starts to see the world through the hotel cleaner’s eyes. This uptight British matron breaks through her self-imposed barriers and starts to relate to others around her with kindness. We see her reconnect to a long-lost purpose: to be of service to others. We watch her quietly begin to work behind the scenes from her wheelchair to help the young manager secure the funds he needs to keep the hotel open. No longer ‘useless’, Muriel even creates a new purpose for herself—to live in and manage the business side of the very hotel she originally detested.

We all have the potential to be helpful.

We often long to be useful.

To be really helpful, we need relationships with people who are open to receiving our gifts. And we need to know what is needed in the world, where we can be useful.

Life moves towards a homeostatic balance in everything. Receiving balances giving. Giving balances receiving.

Like Muriel, I am learning how to open up to other people helping me, to receiving their gifts in a non-attached, non-dependent way, so that I can be useful and helpful in my own way. My coaches in this are many and varied. Not only do these professional coaches, family members and colleagues help me see where I can be useful, these trusted friends also help me see more clearly and completely what beliefs or habits I have that stand in the way of fully expressing and sharing my gifts.

Perhaps that’s why I caught myself saying “I’ll always welcome a new friend into my life” last week….

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay